hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
