After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
