I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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