She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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