I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
