Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
