Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
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