They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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