Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
