Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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