On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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