the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
