i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
