So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
