U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
