Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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