we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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