I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
