Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
