im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
