i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
