I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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