I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
