That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
