My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
