I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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