He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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