I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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