We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
