My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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