Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
