just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
