i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
high people should be assigned attendants
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
