SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
