he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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