Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
