I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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