I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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