DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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