the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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