all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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