I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize