Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
