She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
