So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
