You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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