I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
