I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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