But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
