she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
