as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
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hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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