Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My bed smells like the plague
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