...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
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I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
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I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize